A dialogue with self

Having a ‘toe in the door’ of academia has made it hard to just write,
Every response to a lived situation becomes a problem of representation and contextualization. I thought maybe my inner academic and my authentic response child should have a dialogue, so I called them both here today for an interview.
My inner academic (herein known as IA) was a little bit wary, she wanted to know who the audience was and if the article would be peer reviewed. My authentic response child, (herein known as ARC) was also wary, she was scared of speaking publicly and therefore being vulnerable to attack. With a little creative thinking I was able to sidestep most concerns and bring them both here with the promise of a latte.

IA: I see your trip to Uganda as quite problematic. I mean, how do you, a western woman with white privilege expect to come into a country with a long history of colonization and missionary work and just ‘volunteer’ as a midwife without playing that role? I see your position as inextricable from the history of western influence.

Me: Good question IA. I don’t really know how to answer you except that I think you are right. However, context and intention cannot be discounted. My work is not to show up and ‘teach’ anybody anything- I am here to exchange practices with other midwives and women. I understand that I am coming in with a position of privilege, but I only see that as inherently bad if it is not questioned properly.

ARC: Can I interrupt here?

IA: What about sustainability? If you come in and catch a bunch of babies what is going to happen when you leave and your pair of hands isn’t here anymore?

Me: I don’t plan on just catching babies. I truly hope to learn how these women are doing what they do, and if it seems right, offer some of what I have learned as practices that may be helpful and sustainable. I think the key is being accountable to both giving and receiving.

ARC: Can I say something?

IA: In a minute. That’s fine I guess, but you also say you are here to collect stories. Just the word ‘collect’ makes my skin crawl, like you think you can just take somebody else’s story and make it your own, or bring it somewhere else. Are you really so naïve to think that by listening to and telling their story, you can just give somebody else a voice?

Me: Isn’t that what it’s all about? I think story exchange is a delicate alchemy. When a story moves from one woman’s lips to another woman’s ears and then out another woman’s lips it becomes an alchemical dance, changing form and meaning along the way. Impoverished communities are usually under-heard communities. Regardless of who you are, or what your privilege, it feels good to be listened to and it feels good to be able to share a story that gives a glimpse into a woman’s situation or understanding of her life. This is what indigineous communities have known all along, and feminism sort of revived in the western sphere. I think your questions are valid, but not valid enough to stop me.

ARC: Yes! Story groups! We need to hold story groups! Where women can have a space to share and dialogue with each other, to tell their birth stories in a space that honors that as important. Yes! Because then you take away the issue of ‘Rachel’ as collector and it just becomes women in a community sharing with each other.

IA: First off, ARC, you are a hippy. Second, that still doesn’t take away the issue of a western facilitator creating the space. Do you really not think that these women create their own spaces and tell their own stories? To be safe you should really just record exactly what you hear and not influence it in any way. You did bring an audio recorder?

ARC: Let’ not forget that the context here is war. These women have grown up in violence, storytelling and women’s ability to speak changes form in this way. Rachel is a really good facilitator. That is one of the tools she brings with her, the ability to gather people in a room and ask questions that push them to deeper places within their story- perhaps places that can be healing. Would you really have her not do that because you are scared of how things get represented?

Me: Thank you ARC. What a nice compliment. IA, are you saying that every time I toot my own horn I take away the ability for a Ugandan woman to authentically have her own horn tooted?

IA: Well, not exactly. It’s more complicated then that. Its wrapped up in a system of colonization and hegemony and…. Could we stop using the word ‘authentic’? It’s starting to offend me.

ARC: Just say what you need to say Rachel and worry about it later. Nobody ever made change in a system without offending most people, especially the academics. Academia can be an excuse to just stand back and observe instead of ‘doing’. You are a doer.

IA: But that’s exactly the problem! What kind of ‘change’ do you really think you are going to make? I mean seriously, can we at least stay away from the ‘go to Africa save the world discourse’?

Me: Absolutely. But change is inherent. Probably more for me than for anyone else….

ARC: Yes, and its ok to write a little poetry and respond from your gut once in a while. Then when you are done you can locate all that writing within the context of your white privilege, your problematic representation, the hegemony of the academic institution, yada yada yada. I mean, whatever comes out of you first is REAL and that is more interesting and probably more useful in the long run.

IA: I actually see your point ARC. If Rachel responds authentically, but locates her responses first as problematic, what comes up could be very useful to her project- because it will reflect the exact issues that we are so concerned with.

ARC: If they are inherent, why not wear them on your sleeve?

Me: You guys are scaring me.

ARC: Forge on sister. Don’t let the institution stop you!

IA: Just be careful. Tread lightly. Cross-reference. Footnote.

Me: I’ll do my best. Thanks guys.

IA: What about that latte?

Me: I could have sworn that Uganda produced some of the worlds best coffee…. How come I haven’t seen a cup of joe anywhere?

IA: Well, you know the export business is completely….

ARC: Don’t start. Please don’t start.